Handicapping the Iraqi Presidential Elections
McSweeney’s Internet tendency has already done the USA
Abdul Aziz al Hakim
Pro: Has well armed and extremely violent militia. Has the Bobby Kennedy “I’m doing it for my assassinated big brother” sentimental appeal
Con: believes that politicians should submit to clerics. Limited appeal of his moderate Islamic fundamentalist mass murderer persona.
Grand Ayatollah Sayyid Ali Husaini al-Sistani
Pro: Once listed as most trusted person in Iraq. His photo on carried anti graven images slate to victory. Sometimes seems to be actually sane.
Con: Believes clerics should stay out of politics. Campaigning limited by refusal to leave his residence for past 30 years. Is Iranian and 300 years old.
Abu Musab al Zarqawi
Pro: 90 virgins willing to stuff ballot boxes
Con: Jordanian and dead
Pro: once killed ax weilding Ba'athist agents with his bare hands
Con: Lost votes he needs, since only Ba'athists support him.
Pro: Is currently President
Con: Things not going so good.
Moqtada al Sadr
Pro: famous name with appeal in Sadr city. Kicked US butt.
Con: Flip flopping between search for sectarian genocide and national unity.
Pro: Has had strong support from various allies including George Bush and Moqtada al Sadr. Has united Iraqi people.
Con: They all hate him.
Pro: Arab nationalist hero for defeating crusaders
Con: Dead for centuries. Actually a Kurd.
Pro: more popular in Iraq than in his native country
Con: Native country is Israel.